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Rumble at the Gardens (Updated)

Ted DiBiase knew everyone had their price, but he just couldn’t convince the Tonga Kid and Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake.
Ted DiBiase knew everyone had their price, but he just couldn’t convince the Tonga Kid and Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake.

DiBiase, best known as the Million Dollar Man, tried to buy Tonga and Beefcake’s souls Friday night at Memorial Gardens, in one of the highlights of the Power Wrestling Alliance’s Main Event.

First he offered a million dollars to manage them, then $10 million and then a blank cheque.

Frank and blunt answer
Tonga Kid, the 350-lb California-born Samoan, grabbed a microphone and gave DiBiase a rather frank and blunt answer.

“You can have my stinky spice,” he blurted out, referring to his dimpled and barely covered posterior.

The crowd loved it.

Having been unable to secure the services of the good guys, DiBiase had to pass his offer over to the baddies, in this case Rick Steiner and Greg “the Hammer” Valentine.

Evangelical turn
A tag team match of epic proportions then followed, which featured a surprise visit from Animal, formerly of the Road Warriors.

During the bout Valentine even found himself up close and personal with the Tonga Kid's, er, stinky spice.

Brutus and Tonga won, and then the wrestling match took an evangelical turn.

This wasn’t surprising, considering the PWA features born-again Christian wrestlers who give their audience a great show before revealing what’s in their hearts.

Good old fashioned raslin'
While the crowd at the Gardens wasn’t huge, those who were on hand received full value for their money.

DiBiase, who went from WWF stardom to becoming an ordained minister with his own King of David ministries, had tired of the current professional wrestling scene, which he considers vulgar, degrading to women and devoid of discernable heroes and villains.

But you knew who the bad guys were at the Main Event, and the good guys were easily apparent too.

The matches featured all the characteristics of showbiz—lights, blaring music, a Gardens which had been transformed into a post-apocalyptic wrecking yard—while concentrating on good, old fashioned raslin’.

Dramatic conclusion
One contest, a so-called “ladder match” between Petey Williams and Johnny Ova, whose manager wore an outrageous purple suit, was fought mostly outside the ring and throughout the Gardens.

Ova and Williams wrestled on scaffolding, slammed each other into cars, wooden pallets and metal barriers. And, oh yes, there was a ladder too, which the combatants became intimately involved with.

But it was the tag team match that got the crowd’s adrenaline really coursing, particularly its dramatic conclusion.

Break those chains
Although Tonga Kid and Brutus won, TK was left wrapped in chains by a black-clad group of demonic teens who entered the ring, danced around him while inflicting their blows.

The chains, the audience learned, symbolized temptations such as sex, drugs and alcohol.

It was only through the acceptance of Jesus, Tonga Kid was told, that he’d be able to break those chains. And break them he did.

Rumble to humble
The evening ended with a recreation of Christ’s crucifixion and a Sunday-go-to-meeting sermon from DiBiase.

It was a night that went from rumble to humble, likely leaving the faithful at the Gardens to utter ‘Onward Christian wrestlers’ as they left.