Congratulations are in order, Mr Speaker. You know you have "made it" on the world stage when Vladimir Putin bans you from entering his country.
See: Russia strikes back. Bans MP Anthony Rota
That is not to say that anyone wants to visit Russia right now, but when the dust settles in Ukraine, which may take some time, you, because of government business or personal pleasure, may want to visit one of Russia’s satellite countries. I can foresee problems at the border when you present your diplomatic passport.
One must give kudos to Vlad and his henchmen for a better understanding of our Canadian political system than many of us here at home seem to appreciate. Of course, we know that Chrystia and young Trudeau would be on his list, but putting you on the no-entry list indicates that Putin knows who holds the reins of power behind the scenes in Ottawa. But now that your cover as the soft-speaking Member of Parliament from Nipissing-Timiskaming has been blown, I’m here to help.
What I am proposing is that I can lend you some identification that will give you entry into Vladimir’s kingdom. Sure, I know CSIS could fix you up with a phony passport and so on but there are likely moles in that organization that would blow your cover. With just you and me, you can be sure there are no moles, rats, or loose lips.
The first thing will be to get you my passport. We can do the exchange at a rear booth at Cecil’s some night at 11:15. I’ll be wearing a tan trench coat and a fedora. Make that my black bowler as I don’t have a Sam Spade fedora.
We are about the same height and you can just say you are on a WW diet if the border police ask about your weight. You will have to let your moustache grow in. You can get some of that grey hair colouring at Shoppers – you know the kind that Maurice ‘The Rocket’ Richard used to peddle when he said he leaves a little grey, just for his wife? Maybe you were too young to remember that, but it was a pretty good ad. Put some of that greying stuff on your hair as well, although I think I detected a quite few grey hairs the last time we spoke.
The glasses should not be a problem. Pick up a pair of those cheaters at Shoppers when you are getting the hair dye. I walk with a bit of a left-leg limp and the Russians may know that, so you should get yourself a cane and put a pebble in your left shoe. I saw that in a movie and it worked for the MI 6 agent, so you should be good.
Now, I understand that you are not much of a drinker, but, and I am not saying that I over-indulge, however you should be prepared to lift a glass with your Russian hosts just to stay in character. I would watch out for those Russian Mules, which are a very tasty combination of vodka and ginger beer with a garnish of a slice of lime. They have quite a kick – just saying. In my experience with some Russians that I met in Cuba a few years ago, they do not consider it bad form to avoid vodka in place of a single malt, as long as you buy the rounds.
As far as eating is concerned, I understand from C that you eschew red cabbage and beets, both of which are likely to be on most menus as sides in Moscow or whatever city you are visiting. Suck it up and eat your veggies. I like my steaks medium rare; chicken and pork well done; eggs over easy; fish grilled, and shrimps peeled and without coatings. I favour pecans, coffee crisp chocolate bars, and moose tracks ice cream. All of this is public information in case some bored SVR agent read one of my books.
About travelling money: I am okay with lending you a couple of my credit cards but you have to remember that a pensioner’s credit limit is somewhat lower than that of the Speaker of the House. My PIN is 6755. Okay, I shouldn’t have let that out. We’ll change that to something you can remember. Don’t write it on your left forearm – that’s the first place they look. We can settle up when you return. There will be a small service charge; let’s say for you Anthony, we make a small vigorish of 5%. I
If you think you can use this offer of my help, I’ll get Jeff to scrub my files at BayToday of any Russian references. We can use our old dropbox on Gormanville Road. Just put a chalk mark on the left side. The password will be sirop d’érable with the reply spasibo.
Your chum, as ever . . .Bill
