Dear Mr Ford Sir:
We were watching the Al Jazeera News on TV yesterday and saw your plan that fits in very well with our business. Perhaps we can do a deal. H.A.MAS Tunnelling LLC has many years of experience in tunnel work, and we can give you some great references: Benny Netanyahu, for instance.
We have much experience in tunnelling quietly under things, mostly houses and large buildings like schools and hospitals, so working under a noisy road will be a snap for us. We assume you will notify any neighbours of loud explosions that come with such work, although in our last job, the ambient sounds of our neighbours indiscriminately shelling houses did cover most of our work noises.
One of your employees (we assumed DND stands for it’s Doug Not Duggie – although that has a nice ring to it if you are digging a tunnel) has kindly sent us a geophysical map showing the topographical infrastructures aligning with the current Toronto subways, water, and sewage distribution system, natural waterways and springs, gas and electric utility points, earthquake fault lines, and burrowing rodent pathways.
We see very few issues in any Green Party environmental assessment, which although new to us, would be completely acknowledged in our work. The one question arising from one of our tunnel experts is what will you do with all the removed rock, sand, and muck, that we dig from the ground?
The suggestion by one of our engineers is to build an island in Lake Ontario, much like they did in Dubai. It might be worth considering. Nice condos in Dubai – just saying. There is going to be a lot of rock from this project, and, if we may suggest, doing twin tunnels, one east, one west, has much merit. There might be cost savings in doing two smaller tunnels than one large tunnel: fewer collisions, ventilation savings, and power grid services. You could call the project “The Twin Tunnels – a Canadian project that digs down not falls down.” Too soon for that?
We mention power grid considerations because although we know you love combustion engine cars, EVs are the future. We, therefore, are suggesting that we use electric rails in the tunnels and transport the cars and trucks on electrified drive-on, drive-off ‘sleds’. These sleds would act like an endless conveyor belt or flat escalator. This would eliminate the ventilation of exhaust fumes from transport trucks and the need for charging stations for EVs that left home without their Chargex Card. Ha ha.
If you need to build a small nuclear power plant to power the Twin Tunnels, we have cousins in Iran who can get you a good price. We can find a way around any US sanctions. Also, not to worry about skilled workers as right now we have several crews who are on temporary layoff and are very willing to travel out of the country. We can get around the Immigration thing with the Feds and Quebec – we will print our own work Visas. We also have uncles who know some cousins in Lebanon who are looking for the experience of working in a great country like Ontario.
And Doug, do not worry about our workers going on strike, something for which you Canadians are gaining a worldwide reputation for, just saying. The Ontario minimum wage will be good recompense as long as there is a Tim Hortons restaurant at each end of the tunnel. But speaking of money, we need to get the funding for this mega project assured.
Your Department of Engineers and Public Works estimates it will take 8 years to complete the tunnels, but our experience with the unexpected tells us that it will take 10 or 11 years to complete; this of course with the provision that changes in governments do not interrupt the digging. And the flow of money. A rough estimate is that this will cost you one billion dollars per year. Not to question your financial acuity, but do you have the cash?
We hear, even over here in the Middle East, that there is a portion of your population wanting you to spend more on health care, not tunnels. We have found that hospitals make good waystations for tunnels – just saying again. Maybe you can sell your idea that way.
We will of course need a down payment and some security. Bitcoin, if you have any, is okay but laundered US dollars is good. If all you have is CDN$ we can work something out. If you have to borrow some money to burrow then we have cousins in Iran who do the oil thing, and a word in their ear will do wonders, especially since you are just across the lake from you know who.
Anyway, Sir, please let us know if you are interested so we can start making arrangements for personnel and digging equipment.
Sincerely,
John Smith, for H.A.Mas Tunnelling, LLC
